some random person you've never heard of escapes from a house

Last year Samuel Preston managed to re-launch the career of perennial indie strugglers The Ordinary Boys through a stint on celebrity (I thought I better not use capitals) Big Brother.

This year it was the lead singer from Alton Towers’ turn. His real name is Patrick Brannam but he calls himself Donny Tourette, presumably because he either finds it funny to use diseases in his name, or just because he needs some sort of excuse for being a total pratt.

In an interview with the NME, Donny had even said "You won't find us on 'Big Brother' or anything like that. Preston had to hang around with a bunch of knobheads he didn't like, didn't he? They're like monkeys in that house and they've got organ grinders telling them what to do and treating them like idiots."

True to his words, a few months later Donny is being ushered into the Big Brother house, forming V signs at the bemused crowd who just chanted back “Who are ya?” And there was probably more honesty to that question than the singer realised.

It took just 48 hours for Donnie, or Patrick, or whatever his name is, to decide that it was too much like hard work pretending to be a rock n’roll star while cooped up in George Orwell’s idea of a concentration camp.

Unlike most sheep, he managed to escape without leaving any of his peroxide clogged mullet locks attached to the fence. He was last seen trying to reform Spinal Tap, but we haven’t managed to ascertain whether or not he knows they’re not actually a real band.

At the time of publishing The Unknowns of London’s website is still championing a whole sub section of their site called ‘Donnie to win Big Brother’. Has nobody told them he’s buggered off home to his mummys?

The band release their new single on February 12th, which might make a bit more of a dent than their best single so far (which only scraped number 30 in the charts), but that’ll largely be thanks to their newfound fan base of pre-teen girls and bored housewives.

Who knows in a few months time they could be leeching off the fame of one of their Z-list celebrity girlfriends and releasing songs with such adroit titles as “I Luv U”.

FUTURE GIGS

sorry, we currently have no gigs listed for this act.