shock as bands win awards

The music world was in shock recently after some bands won some awards for some things they'd done. The Awards, which everyone has to agree mean something (else they won't win), were held at a glittering ceremony attended by those we'd told beforehand had won.

One of the bands were speechless at having won, but their spokesman said they were shocked and honoured, and "didn't really deserve it" - how right they were. They won the Best Hair Award, as it was realised that they were the band to increase the sales of a hair product.

Baby Pete was a big winner, picking up awards for Best Made-up Stories, Most Earnings From Tabloid Tales, and Best Support Of A Drug Habit. Making a stand against drugs, coked-up record company executives condemned Pete's tabloid addiction.

The Not Yet Dead Award went to the old band with a new album out, proving - just like last year - it's never too late to suck up to a classic act we've pissed off in the past.

In another shock, we awarded the Best Website to ourselves.

Best Totty and Best Make-up Artist both went to the star only ever photographed in soft focus who our aging writers lust after, despite the fact that she's old enough to be most of our readers' mother.

The final shock was when the best event won Best Event - previously we've awarded it to crap alternatives, but we thought we'd have one last try at getting them to give us our stage back.

A spokesman said "these awards show that we haven't lost the ability to suck up to those we need to. As ever, they have no meaning apart from our own desire to publicise ourselves."

Next year's winners are expected to be completely different after we've decided this year's winners were crap after all. Unless of course we still need to suck up to the same people next year.